We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!