Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox