Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.