[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m listening
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Tastes like chicken.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*