Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Fries, not lies.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.