Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m listening
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.