Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!