Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?