To the max.. 😂
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth