*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
True freaking story!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”