Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You Might Also Like
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio