I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Nomnomnomnom
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.