I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
i smell a pulitzer
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh