I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
#Caturday
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw