INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.