Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.