I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Mmmm canned fish.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.