wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
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Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.