Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.