“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”