After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking