“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.