Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon