Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.