WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.