(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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No. He’s not coming out to play
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Pat is about to own someone
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*