Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!