I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I wish all tests were things you peed on
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Note to self: always read the final line
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I have a black belt in leather
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN