if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid