An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard