I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.