Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Baking is just science you can eat.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Not today, today.
Not today.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?