“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
my name if I was in the mob
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
dads on road-trips be like
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
doing your own taxes
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Guilty! 🤪
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.