5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*