Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Practicing safe sax
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Cndnsd Mlk
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I’m already scared
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.