Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.