please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.