I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices