Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.