The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes