Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
You Might Also Like
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Important reminders
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Sending in my taxes
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”