i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Comparing yourself to others
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: