My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too