its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how鈥檇 you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
it鈥檚 so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 馃槵馃き
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
professor x: what鈥檚 ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won鈥檛 help us
me: yes I see that now
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.