Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?