if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this