There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
You Might Also Like
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.