“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨