just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
when revenge coincides with naptime
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had