[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed